This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
