Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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