blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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