Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
