If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
