The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
