I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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