i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
