So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
