I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
me + whiskey = a bad person
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
