I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
