Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
