your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
