Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
