Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
