hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
