dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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