you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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