flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
