Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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