3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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