remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
