Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
