oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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