So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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