No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
