Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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