Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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