Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
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I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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