I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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