If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
