dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
