I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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