Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
