I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
