Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
