I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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