Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Jerry, you need to find god
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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