I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
