No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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