She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
