Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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