If that was your dad, he is hot
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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