i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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