Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
