FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
