I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
