I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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