i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
