My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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