I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
...so i touched it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
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Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
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I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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