It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
