dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.