So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence